//...winter...\\

Monday, November 19, 2007

Most people are only good at criticizing others..
I'm one of them too, I don't deny..
Life after marriage is totally different from
that of single.
The change is even more drastic when you have kids...
That will be the time when your kids are the priority..
Everything you do, you must think of them first..

I always thought i have a wonderful family..
But i slowly realize not..
No one to talk to.. No one understands you...
You know this kind of feeling??
It hurts when one side of your family criticized
another side of your family...
You're just like a sandwich in between..
Nothing you do or say is right..
It used to bother me a lot..
I used to cry in the middle of the night over
things like that.. But now i dun...
My priority now is my kids..
I dun give a damn now who you dislike..
Or how you think of who & who...
I dun care how you think of me... I'm not a puppet..
I have my own thinking..
Since I can't please all, then i might as well please myself..
I earn my own living.. I spend my own money...
I dun owe anyone anything..

I have always fend for myself.. Who is there to protect me??
It doesn't bother me when i was young...
all the more it doesn't bother me now..
I will try all my best to give my kids all i can give...
Not only material wise.. But in all aspect..
What happened to me during childhood had scarred me for life..
I would never want my kids to go through what I've been through..
The kind of life…..

IcYb3|| counted snowflakes at 1:15 PM

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I used to be someone who always blame myself for everything goes wrong.
But i dun now... I tried my best in everything..
Relationship, work, everything...
Relationship: No matter with who..
Friends, Hubby, kids, family... Whoever...
But i only realize now that those you treasure much
might not, be in return, treasure you...

Once i have a best friend i treasure so much...
Seeing her waste her life makes me sad..
I tried to talk sense to her.
Tried all my best to help her in whatever ways i could..
I tell her all my problems..
Only to realize that she's not interested in anything that concerns me.
I treated her as my best budz...
But her best budz wasn't me...
Fine... I can't force her to see me as her best friend..
I can accept the fact that I'm not her best friend...
But i can't accept people taking me as substitute...
She'll only look for me when others are not free..
Attitute towards me is also different when she's with her friends.
Why should I waste my time on this kind of people...
I rather have no friend then to have a friend like that...

I'm happy with my life now.... Very happy!!!

IcYb3|| counted snowflakes at 5:41 PM

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Feel so sad... Feel so unwanted.. Feels like no one in this world truly loves me.. Not my mum, not my dad, not my hubby.. No one.. There's a huge diff between need & love.. They hold on to me because they need me...Not because they love or want me..

Is my hormones raging again that caused me to feel so depressed all of a sudden?? Or am I'm feeling the truth??I am already unable to differentiate what's true and what's not.. Reality and illusion.Which is real??

IcYb3|| counted snowflakes at 12:43 PM

Monday, November 12, 2007

My work is so boring that my head is going to hit the keyboard soon.
I'm going for ultra sound scan at Thomson Medical later. It is written there as F3 Scan,
(Hmm... Reminds me of next yr's F1 Race.. Or is it the yr after??)
but I’m sure not know the purpose of this scan.. Overall well-being of the foetus??

I keep typing my name wrongly. What a shame!!!
It will going to be in the system forever.
Everyone who service the accounts will see wierd name there..
And people will laugh at which idiot was that that could not even
spell her name correctly... Shame!!!

Everyone is sick.. Hubby, babies, me......
So tired having to look after other patients when you are a patients yourself.
A pregnant patients on top of that... Arghh!!!!

After so many years of marriage then i realized I've married a workaholic..
A man who is willing to sacrifice everything for his career...
And that includes his family...
Oh.. Not his family but time with his family..
To be fair to him, Hubby is a man who loves his family lots..
He dote on me and the kids..
But stress always make people act differently..
He would sometimes dun care about what his sons says to him..
He will just 'hmm... ahh... ya...', murmuring stuffs like that...
I know he is just tired and stressed out after a hard day's work..
But i will still tell him not to show the kids this kind of attitude
as it will hurt their pride.. He listened but will show me the attitude instead..
ZzzzZzzz...

Read in the papers today about a Malaysian man who leads a double life,
working as a paralegal exec by the day and a toy-boy serving older ladies by the night..
His sideline earn him three times more then his profession.
Earning up to RM10,000 average in a month..
Woo~ That's fast cash...
How i wish i'm able to make that much in a month too..
Maybe joining him in his sideline serving the husband of those old ladies??
Or as his PA taking appointments, solicits potential clients for him when times are bad??
I'm a very easily-contented woman; I just want 1/3 of his total salary in SGD.
That would be enough for me to give my sons a comfortable life...

I still remember getting a call from a friend when I was 16 yrs old
Asking if I want a job that would earn me $8k-$10k/mth.
The 'salary' was, according to that friend of mine, negotiable.
My job was to service a wealthy middle age man.
My friend said he was quite good looking and was certified by the doctors that
He was not a carrier of HIV or any other disease.
And to be fair, if I want to take up this job,
I would have to go for a whole body check-up. I turned her down flatly...
Knowing that I've lost the chance to earn big bucks but have retained my pride & self-worth.
I would be of no diff from those standing on the streets of Geylang if I took up this job...
I could never hold my head up high ever again and would possibly never be able to get
out from this kind of life again...

Listening to the Theme song of the movie 'Titanic' – ‘My Heart will Go On’ by Celine Dion. A very nice song; Looking for the one with radio edit. But seems like no one have it.

Another 55 mins to lunch… and counting….

IcYb3|| counted snowflakes at 12:05 PM