Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I'm tired of living in this samsaric world where pain and sufferings are everyday thing. How i wonder i can be wise enough to attained enlightenment like Sikyamuni buddha and be free from the samsara; Live in eternal bliss and emptiness....
How do you judge a person??? From his character, or his behaviour? By how much harm he has done to you and how much pain he has inflicted on you??? By his look, wealth, influence, status, his knowledge, his success or just purely by your heart? Are we, as normal human beings in this samsaric world, right to judge anyone and be judged in return??? Are we correct in our judgement or are all things in this world a delusion???
Feeling very unhappy recently due to some problems (Or should i say some conflicts in my family). Some feelings that have been kept in the darker realm of my heart surface again after so many months. Maybe it's because this is not the first time I'm having this kind of feeling or maybe it's due to my intensive reading in books on the teaching of Buddhism, I find that i can handle this feeling better now.
We're being judged by any other person everyday. Be it on the clothes we wear, the way we present ourselves or whatever.. We are being judged. And we are also doing the same to other people too. But is it right for us to judge others??? We all know that no one is perfect in this world. We have flaws that we are aware of and flaws that we are not aware of. By judging others, are we trying to say that we are actually better then them? I don't know, frankly. Knowing how to judge a person is actually good in a sense that we know who are the ones we can learn from and who are the one we have to shun from. We learn not only from those superior to us but also those inferior to us. I guess one have to have a neutral heart in order to benefit from learning.
~Back to topic~
I really hate the feeling of being judge by people, especially those who are closed to me. In my case, to be exact, I am being criticised. But criticism arise from judgement, isn't that right? My mother in law finds me too lazy, too dependant on others, too playful, too wilfull.....*the list goes on* Sometimes, I just can't help having the feeling that if she have the power to change anything, the first thing she'll change is her daughter-in-law( and that's yours truly)... I dun understand why am i such a thorn in her neck sometimes. Am i really that bad?? *<Maybe>* I've tried to reach her expectation, but failed. And i wonder if she's too demanding or am i too incompetent???
Sometimes, I even have the feeling that it's wrong to even step out of the door. Cos it seems like whenever i wanted to go out for a walk, I would be reprimended. Why is that so? I ask myself. What is it that she actually wants from me?? Am i being too irresponsible to just go out for a walk?? Really, i'm confused too!!! 2 yrs follow my marriage, I dunno how to differentiate right and wrong. Sometimes I thought what i did was right, but i was scolded. Things that i thought wasn't correct to do was deem the right way by my in laws. I started to live in fear at that period. For fear of being scolded for doing the wrong thing. I started to ask everybody about that particular thing before i started to do it. Come to think of it, I really dunno how i survived through those few years. I was in depression then and i felt like the whole world was against me. I wanted to die but the lack of courage hold me back. I yearned for affirmation and love. How i wish for someone to tell me that it's ok to do things according to my own will and that they'll still love me even if I didn't do things correctly. But no one did that to me, not even my husband. And it was really very saddening...
I learn to let things go. I can forgive but i can't forget.. I dunno why... I know it's no good and I'm now trying to improve on it. I live happier now even though every now and then I will still get upset over some things. Sometimes i really yearn for a 'single' life. No family, no commitment. Maybe I won't feel so stressed up then. But what done cannot be undone and life still has to goes on. Make the best out of everything.. And i guess life would be much happier... =)
Dwelling on the past would be of no use... Look into the future and start weaving your web. That'll bring you to where you want... ;-)
How do you judge a person??? From his character, or his behaviour? By how much harm he has done to you and how much pain he has inflicted on you??? By his look, wealth, influence, status, his knowledge, his success or just purely by your heart? Are we, as normal human beings in this samsaric world, right to judge anyone and be judged in return??? Are we correct in our judgement or are all things in this world a delusion???
Feeling very unhappy recently due to some problems (Or should i say some conflicts in my family). Some feelings that have been kept in the darker realm of my heart surface again after so many months. Maybe it's because this is not the first time I'm having this kind of feeling or maybe it's due to my intensive reading in books on the teaching of Buddhism, I find that i can handle this feeling better now.
We're being judged by any other person everyday. Be it on the clothes we wear, the way we present ourselves or whatever.. We are being judged. And we are also doing the same to other people too. But is it right for us to judge others??? We all know that no one is perfect in this world. We have flaws that we are aware of and flaws that we are not aware of. By judging others, are we trying to say that we are actually better then them? I don't know, frankly. Knowing how to judge a person is actually good in a sense that we know who are the ones we can learn from and who are the one we have to shun from. We learn not only from those superior to us but also those inferior to us. I guess one have to have a neutral heart in order to benefit from learning.
~Back to topic~
I really hate the feeling of being judge by people, especially those who are closed to me. In my case, to be exact, I am being criticised. But criticism arise from judgement, isn't that right? My mother in law finds me too lazy, too dependant on others, too playful, too wilfull.....*the list goes on* Sometimes, I just can't help having the feeling that if she have the power to change anything, the first thing she'll change is her daughter-in-law( and that's yours truly)... I dun understand why am i such a thorn in her neck sometimes. Am i really that bad?? *<Maybe>* I've tried to reach her expectation, but failed. And i wonder if she's too demanding or am i too incompetent???
Sometimes, I even have the feeling that it's wrong to even step out of the door. Cos it seems like whenever i wanted to go out for a walk, I would be reprimended. Why is that so? I ask myself. What is it that she actually wants from me?? Am i being too irresponsible to just go out for a walk?? Really, i'm confused too!!! 2 yrs follow my marriage, I dunno how to differentiate right and wrong. Sometimes I thought what i did was right, but i was scolded. Things that i thought wasn't correct to do was deem the right way by my in laws. I started to live in fear at that period. For fear of being scolded for doing the wrong thing. I started to ask everybody about that particular thing before i started to do it. Come to think of it, I really dunno how i survived through those few years. I was in depression then and i felt like the whole world was against me. I wanted to die but the lack of courage hold me back. I yearned for affirmation and love. How i wish for someone to tell me that it's ok to do things according to my own will and that they'll still love me even if I didn't do things correctly. But no one did that to me, not even my husband. And it was really very saddening...
I learn to let things go. I can forgive but i can't forget.. I dunno why... I know it's no good and I'm now trying to improve on it. I live happier now even though every now and then I will still get upset over some things. Sometimes i really yearn for a 'single' life. No family, no commitment. Maybe I won't feel so stressed up then. But what done cannot be undone and life still has to goes on. Make the best out of everything.. And i guess life would be much happier... =)
Dwelling on the past would be of no use... Look into the future and start weaving your web. That'll bring you to where you want... ;-)
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 11:00 PM
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Feeling so sick today. No one is at home except for me and my sons. My in laws went out.. Good timing.. Went out when I was running a fever and expect me to look after my kids when I'm sick.. Went to watch Ghost Rider last week Quite a nice show.. The graphic not bad.. I like the part where he changed into the ghost rider with another man best... ~forgotten what's that man's name... ~Woo~hoo~
Feel like watching another movie next Saturday.. But dunno which movie.. Tjought of watching Norbits, but friends says that it's a very stupid movie... Hmm... Might watch Hannibal Rising.. ~Haha~
Gotta stop here.. No one is at home.. Gotta stop and go look after my kids.. Pray hard my fever will subside by tml morning.. Still need to work... *help!!!!!!!*
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 5:55 PM
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Went to Sentosa with my hubby and my sons today.. We reached there at about 2pm. For the whole day, we only went to Underwater World. My youngest son slept through the whole journey. Woke up only when we have board the cab and was on the way back to mainland.
Bought quite a few things from underwater world. 2 caps, a bag and a tortoise soft toy. Went to Orchard after that... Can see that Travis really enjoy himself today.. I'm really glad.. hope my hubby will have more time for us in the future so that we can have this kind of family outing more often... It's also another way for us to keep the bond strong.. =)
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 11:02 PM
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
It's Valentines Day today.
Went to Geylang Lor 34 for supper with Joe's boss and colleagues last night. we ate lobster, crabs, fish, prawns and some other smaller potion of so-called side dishes. As usual, like what happened every year, Joe act as the rubbish bin of the company. Jenny, Joe's lady boss, was there too with her 2nd & 3rd son.
We finished the supper at about 1a.m. Everyone went home after that. Me and Joe reach home at about 1.30am. Slept @ nearly 3a.m. Woke up at 7.30a.m this morning. So freaking tired!! Still have to come office see my boss' f*cking face!
Wonder will dear dear buy me any gifts for Valentines or not.... Higher chances of no gifts, I think. Hmm...~ Dun care lahx! If have, den good lorx.. If dun have, I also 'LL'...
Went to Geylang Lor 34 for supper with Joe's boss and colleagues last night. we ate lobster, crabs, fish, prawns and some other smaller potion of so-called side dishes. As usual, like what happened every year, Joe act as the rubbish bin of the company. Jenny, Joe's lady boss, was there too with her 2nd & 3rd son.
We finished the supper at about 1a.m. Everyone went home after that. Me and Joe reach home at about 1.30am. Slept @ nearly 3a.m. Woke up at 7.30a.m this morning. So freaking tired!! Still have to come office see my boss' f*cking face!
Wonder will dear dear buy me any gifts for Valentines or not.... Higher chances of no gifts, I think. Hmm...~ Dun care lahx! If have, den good lorx.. If dun have, I also 'LL'...
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 9:53 AM
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
It is already more then a week late, I still haven't have my period yet. I wonder what happen?! I bought a pregnancy test kit the other day and i did the test. It came out negative. If I'm not pregnant then my period should not be this late. It normally late for about 2 days the most. I'm afraid that the result shown on the pregnancy test kit is not accurate. On another word, I am afraid that I'm really pregnant.
This is not the right time for me to have another kid. I did hope to have another baby, preferably a girl. But i can't have it now when I'm still so unstable. I already have problem taking care of 2 babies, how can i still take care of the third wan??
OMG!!! Help!!!!!!!
This is not the right time for me to have another kid. I did hope to have another baby, preferably a girl. But i can't have it now when I'm still so unstable. I already have problem taking care of 2 babies, how can i still take care of the third wan??
OMG!!! Help!!!!!!!
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snowflakes at 8:50 AM
Monday, February 12, 2007
OMG!! I just realized that I've overspent!!! Luckily, boss will be giving us Ang Bao this Friday... Just wonder how much will i get... ~hmm...~
Fetching my baby later.. Travis teacher told me the other that Travis has made great improvement and she is very proud of him... I reply to her that me, as his mother, was glad to hear that and that I am also very proud of my son.
Time really flies. In no time, Travis will have to learn to live his own life. By then, my mission will be complete and i can step back and relax. 这一路走来真的很不容易。心里有一种说不出的感觉。Really glad to have my babies in my life.. Without them I wouldn't have known such happiness.. though they always make me angry and never listen to my teaching, but i still love them all the same.. BABIES I LOVE YOU!!!
Fetching my baby later.. Travis teacher told me the other that Travis has made great improvement and she is very proud of him... I reply to her that me, as his mother, was glad to hear that and that I am also very proud of my son.
Time really flies. In no time, Travis will have to learn to live his own life. By then, my mission will be complete and i can step back and relax. 这一路走来真的很不容易。心里有一种说不出的感觉。Really glad to have my babies in my life.. Without them I wouldn't have known such happiness.. though they always make me angry and never listen to my teaching, but i still love them all the same.. BABIES I LOVE YOU!!!
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 4:29 PM
Spent alot of money these few days.. Went for shopping again on Saturday & Sunday. Things i bought: (Inclusive of Friday's midnight shopping)
From Plaza Singapura (Friday)
Lingerie @ $45.00 from La Senza
Long sleeve button shirt @ $49.00 from G2000
From AMK Hub (Saturday)
off-shoulder top @ $26.90 from Sense
2 tank tops & a V-neck tee @ $33 from Giordano
A pair of shoes for Dariz @ $19.90 from Bubblegummer.
A pair of shoes for Travis @ $49.00 from Adidas
3 pairs of socks for Travis @ $9.90 from Adidas
From Compasspoint (Sunday)
Long sleeve button shirt @ $49.00 from G2000
Toy Story Sunglasses @ $9.95 from Kiddy Palace
Pigeon milk bottle @ $9.00 from Kiddy Palace
Binder @ $49.90 from Wacoal
Briefs @ $11.90 from Metro
Packed my wardrobe and my babies' wardrobe last night after I reached home at about 7.30pm. Cleared alot of things. Finally there's space for my hubby to put his clothes in. And for me to put in my clothes too...
Thought of buying some bags.. But dunno where to buy.. Accessories too.. Sianz~ Just one CNY and i have to spent so much money...Haiz~ No choice.. These are the so called neccessaties in the modern world during CNY...
From Plaza Singapura (Friday)
Lingerie @ $45.00 from La Senza
Long sleeve button shirt @ $49.00 from G2000
From AMK Hub (Saturday)
off-shoulder top @ $26.90 from Sense
2 tank tops & a V-neck tee @ $33 from Giordano
A pair of shoes for Dariz @ $19.90 from Bubblegummer.
A pair of shoes for Travis @ $49.00 from Adidas
3 pairs of socks for Travis @ $9.90 from Adidas
From Compasspoint (Sunday)
Long sleeve button shirt @ $49.00 from G2000
Toy Story Sunglasses @ $9.95 from Kiddy Palace
Pigeon milk bottle @ $9.00 from Kiddy Palace
Binder @ $49.90 from Wacoal
Briefs @ $11.90 from Metro
Packed my wardrobe and my babies' wardrobe last night after I reached home at about 7.30pm. Cleared alot of things. Finally there's space for my hubby to put his clothes in. And for me to put in my clothes too...
Thought of buying some bags.. But dunno where to buy.. Accessories too.. Sianz~ Just one CNY and i have to spent so much money...Haiz~ No choice.. These are the so called neccessaties in the modern world during CNY...
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 8:59 AM
Saturday, February 10, 2007
It's been a long long time since i last went down to Plaza Singapure. And it's also the first time I was inside the mall after 10pm. Midnight shopping last night.. Stayed there till about 2300hr before Mich came to fetch us. We went to Lau Pa Sat with Aries' colleagues for supper. They are really a bunch of 'terrorist'. The way they order food really scare the hell out of me!!!
Bought nothing much last night. Went to La Senza to buy lingerie. They were having offers.. 2 for only $45. Pricing quite alright.. After that we went to SK Jewellery to browse at those items on offer. Aries bought a Stainless steel ring @ $29.00. I bought nothing. Then we went to G2000 to look for my hubby's new year clothes. I bought him a black long sleeve shirt with thin white stripe. That doesn't cost much, $49.00 only. Everything was bought in a rush.. cos we only have less then half an hour to buy our stuffs as Mich was already on her way down.. Didn't buy anything for myself.. It's just too rush.. Might not be buying CNY clothes this year even i have spare cash as i dun think i will have the time to go shopping anymore. CNY is just a week away.. Gotta do spring cleaning... Gotta rush.. (~againz~)
Aries just called.. Said the ring she bought for her 55 does not fit. Told her to exchange for a bigger size. Might be going down SK later again..
Yan went to the doc yesterday. The doc prescribed him some medicine. Doc says that he seems to be a little breathless.. Lungs was infected.. Hopefully he will recover before CNY. Mother in law says to have him put in a childcare. So that she can go down to the shop and help out. She is afraid that my father in law might not be able to take it anymore. Quite true actually. He is already in his 60s, not young anymore.. Maybe after Yan has recovered I'll bring him for the Flu vaccine, chicken pox vaccine, and the vaccine against pneumonia. Guess will only put him into the childcare after the he had the vaccines..
Halfday for work today. Gotta go home and take care of my babies & at the same time clean my room. Pack up whatever that is of no use and throw it away..
Boring Saturday~
Bought nothing much last night. Went to La Senza to buy lingerie. They were having offers.. 2 for only $45. Pricing quite alright.. After that we went to SK Jewellery to browse at those items on offer. Aries bought a Stainless steel ring @ $29.00. I bought nothing. Then we went to G2000 to look for my hubby's new year clothes. I bought him a black long sleeve shirt with thin white stripe. That doesn't cost much, $49.00 only. Everything was bought in a rush.. cos we only have less then half an hour to buy our stuffs as Mich was already on her way down.. Didn't buy anything for myself.. It's just too rush.. Might not be buying CNY clothes this year even i have spare cash as i dun think i will have the time to go shopping anymore. CNY is just a week away.. Gotta do spring cleaning... Gotta rush.. (~againz~)
Aries just called.. Said the ring she bought for her 55 does not fit. Told her to exchange for a bigger size. Might be going down SK later again..
Yan went to the doc yesterday. The doc prescribed him some medicine. Doc says that he seems to be a little breathless.. Lungs was infected.. Hopefully he will recover before CNY. Mother in law says to have him put in a childcare. So that she can go down to the shop and help out. She is afraid that my father in law might not be able to take it anymore. Quite true actually. He is already in his 60s, not young anymore.. Maybe after Yan has recovered I'll bring him for the Flu vaccine, chicken pox vaccine, and the vaccine against pneumonia. Guess will only put him into the childcare after the he had the vaccines..
Halfday for work today. Gotta go home and take care of my babies & at the same time clean my room. Pack up whatever that is of no use and throw it away..
Boring Saturday~
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 11:03 AM
Friday, February 09, 2007
Feeling so down recently.. Often blow up easily.. Dunno why..
Just talked to my hubby.. Asked him to have Pizza with me tonight but he refused.. We quarreled over this as well.. I know I'm being unreasonable at times.. But i dunno why am i behaving this way..
Haiz~ Sad.. Cause everyone around me to be unhappy due to my mood swing.. Feel so sorry about it..
gotta go buy a kit and check ltr.. If the unexpected really happens, then i gotta talk to my hubby le.. Hope it's only due to stress and not really the unexpected knocking on my door...
Just talked to my hubby.. Asked him to have Pizza with me tonight but he refused.. We quarreled over this as well.. I know I'm being unreasonable at times.. But i dunno why am i behaving this way..
Haiz~ Sad.. Cause everyone around me to be unhappy due to my mood swing.. Feel so sorry about it..
gotta go buy a kit and check ltr.. If the unexpected really happens, then i gotta talk to my hubby le.. Hope it's only due to stress and not really the unexpected knocking on my door...
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snowflakes at 4:28 PM
My mother in law brought Yan to see Doc today again.. But to a different doctor.. It's Dr Ang Poon Liat in Thomson Medical centre. My father in law's frenz recommend this doc to him and he recommended it to us. I dun know how good is this doctor, but i sure hope he'll help my baby recover..
My mother in law is still at the clinic now.. I'm quite afraid that my baby gotta be admitted in hospital again.. Not again, i hope...
No mood for my midnight shopping @ Plaza Singapura tonight le.. If yan really gotta admit to the hospital, den i dun think I'll even go for my class tonight.. ~Sad~
Dun understand why is this boy so sickly.. Always fall sick for no apparent reason... We have already try our best to take good care of him.. I'm really worried for him.. With this kind of things keep on happening, i've really got no mood for CNY. Haiz~
My mother in law is still at the clinic now.. I'm quite afraid that my baby gotta be admitted in hospital again.. Not again, i hope...
No mood for my midnight shopping @ Plaza Singapura tonight le.. If yan really gotta admit to the hospital, den i dun think I'll even go for my class tonight.. ~Sad~
Dun understand why is this boy so sickly.. Always fall sick for no apparent reason... We have already try our best to take good care of him.. I'm really worried for him.. With this kind of things keep on happening, i've really got no mood for CNY. Haiz~
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snowflakes at 3:54 PM
Thursday, February 08, 2007
What date is today?? Oh! It's the 8th day of February..
Oh My God!!!My period is late again~
As it happen almost every month... But not one as late as this!!!! Dun tell me I'm pregnant... AGAIN!!! I already have 2 lil' rascal at home.. I can't afford to have another one.. Not now...
Just talked to my hubby and his reaction is the same as mine... We'll definitely be happy to have one more kid, but we're afraid of the cost to have one.. Having a baby is not so easy.. You might think tat having one baby wouldn't cost you much. That's true.. but with 2-3 babies, it can bring a toil on you.. I'm already struggling to make ends meet now with 2 kids.. It will be quite impossible for me to have another one now..
I'll be thankful if i have another kid in the future.. But I'll bang my head against the wall if i have one now!!! *bengzZzzZzz*
Oh My God!!!My period is late again~
As it happen almost every month... But not one as late as this!!!! Dun tell me I'm pregnant... AGAIN!!! I already have 2 lil' rascal at home.. I can't afford to have another one.. Not now...
Just talked to my hubby and his reaction is the same as mine... We'll definitely be happy to have one more kid, but we're afraid of the cost to have one.. Having a baby is not so easy.. You might think tat having one baby wouldn't cost you much. That's true.. but with 2-3 babies, it can bring a toil on you.. I'm already struggling to make ends meet now with 2 kids.. It will be quite impossible for me to have another one now..
I'll be thankful if i have another kid in the future.. But I'll bang my head against the wall if i have one now!!! *bengzZzzZzz*
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 4:24 PM
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
School started yesterday. I was feeling quite excited actually. I left my mum's house @ Sengkang at about 6pm.. Reached Tiong Bahru @ about 6.55pm.. But i reach my class only at about 7.15pm. I can't find the place.. I dun even know how to get to the campus.. Kept walking around Tiong Bahru Plaza and saw many people walking towards the same direction, I presume that these ppl might be going to the academy, so I just follow them. And thank god, I didn't follow the wrong group of people.. Haha~ this is call 'The blind leading the blind'
First lesson of my Marketing class. Dun really understand what the teacher was talking about... Not because the teacher is going too fast, but because i dunno what the whole thing is about.. Gotta read up more on it.. If not I'll definitely fail my exam...
First lesson of my Marketing class. Dun really understand what the teacher was talking about... Not because the teacher is going too fast, but because i dunno what the whole thing is about.. Gotta read up more on it.. If not I'll definitely fail my exam...
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snowflakes at 11:17 AM
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Talked to my mum just now. Got to know alot of things from her.. My father's business has been deteriorating.. No business for the last 3 weeks. With lotsa due debts piling up.. My mum says that he hasn't been himself lately.. He would stare into spaces for hours and couldn't be able to sleep at night. He would also go into topics that normal people would not bring up. I feel sorry for him.. My father is a very remarkable man. He built his business up all by himself. Not a cent was given to him by his parents. His father passed away when he was in his 20s, leaving a bangalow and a shop house for my father.. But was later cheated by his brother and mother.
That was the last straw, he moved out of the house after that and strike out on his own since then.. Business was good for him, but wasn't smooth sailing. He met with alot of problems which he tackled it all by himself. But never one as bad as the one he's facing now. 3 weeks without business.. Imagine 3 weeks without business with lotsa due debts piling up!!!! How can a 60 yr old old man take this kind of stress!!! I'm worried for him.. Though he is not my biological father, but nevertheless, he is still the one who have brought me up. Whatever thing my sister and I wants, he would definitely buy it for us.. He is really a very good step-father...
Now that he is in this plight, i dunno what i can do to help him.. Thought of a few ways, but dun think my father will approve to it.. Unless i do it on the sly.
Hopefully everything will be over soon.. Hope he can see the sunshine soon...
*one of the way i tot of is to give them the money i save for the deposit of my flat. To do this, i would have give up the chance to get that flat. I'm willing to do it.. But as this matter not only involve me only, I have to discuss with my hubby first.. I dunno what will he says.. But i hope to find a solution to my father's problem as soon as possible.*
That was the last straw, he moved out of the house after that and strike out on his own since then.. Business was good for him, but wasn't smooth sailing. He met with alot of problems which he tackled it all by himself. But never one as bad as the one he's facing now. 3 weeks without business.. Imagine 3 weeks without business with lotsa due debts piling up!!!! How can a 60 yr old old man take this kind of stress!!! I'm worried for him.. Though he is not my biological father, but nevertheless, he is still the one who have brought me up. Whatever thing my sister and I wants, he would definitely buy it for us.. He is really a very good step-father...
Now that he is in this plight, i dunno what i can do to help him.. Thought of a few ways, but dun think my father will approve to it.. Unless i do it on the sly.
Hopefully everything will be over soon.. Hope he can see the sunshine soon...
*one of the way i tot of is to give them the money i save for the deposit of my flat. To do this, i would have give up the chance to get that flat. I'm willing to do it.. But as this matter not only involve me only, I have to discuss with my hubby first.. I dunno what will he says.. But i hope to find a solution to my father's problem as soon as possible.*
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snowflakes at 4:44 PM
Valentines day is just around the corner.. I believe alot of couples are now thinking of what to buy for their bf/gf. Valentines Day is one of the occasion i dread most. For whatever reason I am also not sure...
In my whole life, i have only received flowers once.. It was a stalk of blue rose, just 1 stalk.. That was our first Valentines day... Ever since then, i have never received anymore flowers from him...
I hope to receive a bouquet of roses for Valentines day this year.. But i dare not have high hopes for it.. For i know the chances of hubby buying it for me is close to 0. He's not the romantic type.. Sometimes i wonder if the reason behind his not buying me roses is because he is not sensitive enough.. Or because he doesn't love me that deep to show me the kind of affection... I dunno..
In my whole life, i have only received flowers once.. It was a stalk of blue rose, just 1 stalk.. That was our first Valentines day... Ever since then, i have never received anymore flowers from him...
I hope to receive a bouquet of roses for Valentines day this year.. But i dare not have high hopes for it.. For i know the chances of hubby buying it for me is close to 0. He's not the romantic type.. Sometimes i wonder if the reason behind his not buying me roses is because he is not sensitive enough.. Or because he doesn't love me that deep to show me the kind of affection... I dunno..
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 9:20 AM
Monday, February 05, 2007
04/02/06 - Dreamt of grandpy last night.. It was inside a tiny place.. Somewhere like a house.. I saw a few family members, couldn't remember who was it. I asked for grandpy, but no one knows where he was.. Some told me 'there', but i see no one when i turned to the place they pointed out to me.. I was in a panic.. Looking for grandpy urgently.. I dun know why.. But it just seems so urgent.. Then, suddenly, grandpy appeared.. He look the same as before. But there's something different about him.. He looked strong.. Not the weakly old man. He wasn't in a wheel chair, he was walking by himself.. His amputated leg was still there.. He walked fast and took a sit somewhere.. And i followed him to his seat and i put my head on his leg and hug his leg.. The feeling was so intense.. It's as if i know if i let go,i will never see him again.. We talked.. but he kept asking me to let him go.. I can't.. How can I when I miss him so much?! Then suddenly i woke up and found that it was all a dream.. The sky was still dark then.. I presume that it was about 4-5am in the morning.. The morning wind was blowing strongly through a tiny opening on the window.. Creating a howling sound.. I slept again.. I return to the same place.. Saw the same people that were there.. But grandpy was no where to be found.. I looked around for him anxiously.. But i see no sight of him.. I was woken up by my sons.. It was already 9am in the morning...
Is grandpy trying to tell me something?? Why he kept asking me to let go??? Is that what he wants, that's why he made me dreamt about it?? Is he trying to console me like how he always did when he was still alive?? Is he trying to tell me that he's in good shape and wants me to recover from my grieve?? I dunno... Friends said that it's a release for him to go.. Since he was in such a bad shape then.. And seems like everyone was bullying him.. They also said that i would make him sad by crying whenever i think of him.. they say he can feel it.. I dunno if it's true.. but all i know is I miss him so much!!! Tears always well up in my eyes whenever i thought of him.. I dunno why.. I've already tried to control my feelings.. But i can't help it.. Even in public, I still couldn't overcome the urge to cry... I just miss him so much!!!
I never know that it was such a painful experience when you come face to face with death.. Death is a winner... He always wins.. What can we do?? Nothing.. But to let him do what he wants.. I didn't know the pain until i really lost grandpy.. I thought i was ready to let him go.. But i wasn't.. Until i lost him, then i understand, I will never be ready for that..
Is grandpy trying to tell me something?? Why he kept asking me to let go??? Is that what he wants, that's why he made me dreamt about it?? Is he trying to console me like how he always did when he was still alive?? Is he trying to tell me that he's in good shape and wants me to recover from my grieve?? I dunno... Friends said that it's a release for him to go.. Since he was in such a bad shape then.. And seems like everyone was bullying him.. They also said that i would make him sad by crying whenever i think of him.. they say he can feel it.. I dunno if it's true.. but all i know is I miss him so much!!! Tears always well up in my eyes whenever i thought of him.. I dunno why.. I've already tried to control my feelings.. But i can't help it.. Even in public, I still couldn't overcome the urge to cry... I just miss him so much!!!
I never know that it was such a painful experience when you come face to face with death.. Death is a winner... He always wins.. What can we do?? Nothing.. But to let him do what he wants.. I didn't know the pain until i really lost grandpy.. I thought i was ready to let him go.. But i wasn't.. Until i lost him, then i understand, I will never be ready for that..
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 9:10 AM
Friday, February 02, 2007
What a boring day... Nothing to do but surfing net the whole day... Aries forgotten to bring her hp out today.. So no one called me today.. But just now out of nowhere, she found a hp to call me... *lolx*
School starting next week, 6 feb.. We have moved to Tiong Bahru. No more in Toa Payoh... Travelling time increase, got to slowly choot~ down there.. then slowly choot~ back home... Sad case...
CNY is just ard the corner.. Lotsa things to buy with that little bit of $$$. My mother in law says that it's a must to buy a new top for new year.. Because of dunno whatever thing lahx.. Then now.. I dunno how to 'spit' $$$ out to buy new clothes.. =(
Ang Bao also another problem to me.. Every year thought of putting more $$$ in the ang bao to my parents, but every year got a tight budget.. So At most can only give about $30 each.. (to 5 persons) *咸菜命啊！！！*
Gotta find $$$ for re-module also.. The first 2 modules i didn't took the exam due to some problems.. Now gotta go for re-module.. 27 Feb still gotta fork out $1000 for the deposit of the flat.. July/August still gotta fork out 10% of the total value of the flat and pay to HDB... Haiz~
*钱不够用*
I'll be cooking dinner tml evening for my family.. Let them try my cooking.. And at the same time, gett ready for my hubby's birthday.. Plan to cook a sumptuous dinner for my hubby on his birthday... So gotta get ready now.. Let my mother in law try first and see what her comments are..
Being a wife and mother for so long, still dun really know how to cook.. Feel really bad about it.. Afraid next time when we move out and stay on our own, my sons will die of hunger.. Better learn how to cook now... ~hmm....~
School starting next week, 6 feb.. We have moved to Tiong Bahru. No more in Toa Payoh... Travelling time increase, got to slowly choot~ down there.. then slowly choot~ back home... Sad case...
CNY is just ard the corner.. Lotsa things to buy with that little bit of $$$. My mother in law says that it's a must to buy a new top for new year.. Because of dunno whatever thing lahx.. Then now.. I dunno how to 'spit' $$$ out to buy new clothes.. =(
Ang Bao also another problem to me.. Every year thought of putting more $$$ in the ang bao to my parents, but every year got a tight budget.. So At most can only give about $30 each.. (to 5 persons) *咸菜命啊！！！*
Gotta find $$$ for re-module also.. The first 2 modules i didn't took the exam due to some problems.. Now gotta go for re-module.. 27 Feb still gotta fork out $1000 for the deposit of the flat.. July/August still gotta fork out 10% of the total value of the flat and pay to HDB... Haiz~
*钱不够用*
I'll be cooking dinner tml evening for my family.. Let them try my cooking.. And at the same time, gett ready for my hubby's birthday.. Plan to cook a sumptuous dinner for my hubby on his birthday... So gotta get ready now.. Let my mother in law try first and see what her comments are..
Being a wife and mother for so long, still dun really know how to cook.. Feel really bad about it.. Afraid next time when we move out and stay on our own, my sons will die of hunger.. Better learn how to cook now... ~hmm....~
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 4:02 PM
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I like to take life easy,
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