Thursday, October 19, 2006
Quitted smoking for about 5 days already… The feeling is really good… my lungs feel good, as well as my pocket…
Am looking for ways to slim down… I know exercise plays a big part in a slimming plan. So am now trying to squeeze it into my hectic schedule. Would like to make it part of my lifestyle. So that after I slim down, I can still continue to maintain my weight and figure. The doc says that my ideal weight is about 53kg. I am now 68kg. So I have to lose 15kg in 2 months. Shouldn’t be a problem. But I hope to weigh only 50kg before Christmas. So I can wear nice clothes and celebrate my Christmas. 18kg… Hmm… Really got to plan it carefully…
*Will post my plan for my diet and exercise very soon... Do give some comments about it.. Thank you!
Am looking for ways to slim down… I know exercise plays a big part in a slimming plan. So am now trying to squeeze it into my hectic schedule. Would like to make it part of my lifestyle. So that after I slim down, I can still continue to maintain my weight and figure. The doc says that my ideal weight is about 53kg. I am now 68kg. So I have to lose 15kg in 2 months. Shouldn’t be a problem. But I hope to weigh only 50kg before Christmas. So I can wear nice clothes and celebrate my Christmas. 18kg… Hmm… Really got to plan it carefully…
*Will post my plan for my diet and exercise very soon... Do give some comments about it.. Thank you!
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snowflakes at 1:40 PM
Almost late for work this morning... Woke up at 7.45am when I was supposed to wake up at 6.30am to pray for my grandfather.
Went to visit my grandfather last night. Almost scared to death by my mother… She called at about 7.30pm, was crying in the phone as she told me that my grandfather couldn’t make it anymore… I was almost in a state of hysterical!!! Rush to the hospital as fast as I could. When I reached there, grandpi was on the oxygen mask. And my aunties and uncles, my siblings and cousins were all beside him, praying for him. I joined in and prayed. But left the room shortly to have a drink. I return about 30mins later. At then, only my mum and my aunt Sam was there. We talk to grandpi, hugged him, kissed him. And I held his hand in mine and pray for him… At about 10pm, my mum came into the room and asked me to go back as it was already late. I was still holding my grandpi’s hand then. I wish to stay on longer and accompany grandpi. But I have to rush home to take care of my boys as they were both sick. Before I go, I kissed grandpi’s hand, cheek n his head. And for the first time after so long, I said to him ‘~Gong~ I love you!’. I’m glad I have the chance to say it to him. These three words have been in my heart for so long… It is a big release for me to say it to him. I want him to know that it’s not the whole world against him. There is still someone by his side who truly loves him. Doc says that grandpi left with only 2 days, at most, to live. How far he can go depends solely on his lungs. They have already switch the oxygen level to full blast last night after he showed signs of difficult breathing. If this time, he still can’t get enough oxygen, then there’ll be nothing the docs can do. The condition of his heart is also deteriorating. His kidney has already failed him… All we can do now is to pray for him to pass on peacefully.
Seeing him last night make me feel at peace again. I dun feel as bad as that few days when I was being tied up by a thousand things and couldn’t go to the hospital to visit him. And maybe, it is also because for the first time in these past 2 weeks, I am able to sit by his bedside, hold on to his hand, talk to him, and pray for him. He showed response. When I tell him that it’s me, he held his head up and looked at me. And, if you took notice, you can see his mouth forming the word that is my name, the name he used to call me since I was a child. Though he couldn’t speak and seems unconscious all the time, but I believe that he is still conscious with what is going on around him. And even that it is a sure thing that he will be leaving us in a very short time, but I dun feel so sad now though the time is nearing. It’s not because I have come to terms with it, but I guess it’s because I can see that he is not in as much pain now compared to the last few days; And also for the fact that I am given a chance to sit by his side, and be close to him…. When he goes, part of me will go with him… But I will be strong and live my life to the fullest. Achieve the best I can. So that when he is up there looking down, he will be proud of me…
Went to visit my grandfather last night. Almost scared to death by my mother… She called at about 7.30pm, was crying in the phone as she told me that my grandfather couldn’t make it anymore… I was almost in a state of hysterical!!! Rush to the hospital as fast as I could. When I reached there, grandpi was on the oxygen mask. And my aunties and uncles, my siblings and cousins were all beside him, praying for him. I joined in and prayed. But left the room shortly to have a drink. I return about 30mins later. At then, only my mum and my aunt Sam was there. We talk to grandpi, hugged him, kissed him. And I held his hand in mine and pray for him… At about 10pm, my mum came into the room and asked me to go back as it was already late. I was still holding my grandpi’s hand then. I wish to stay on longer and accompany grandpi. But I have to rush home to take care of my boys as they were both sick. Before I go, I kissed grandpi’s hand, cheek n his head. And for the first time after so long, I said to him ‘~Gong~ I love you!’. I’m glad I have the chance to say it to him. These three words have been in my heart for so long… It is a big release for me to say it to him. I want him to know that it’s not the whole world against him. There is still someone by his side who truly loves him. Doc says that grandpi left with only 2 days, at most, to live. How far he can go depends solely on his lungs. They have already switch the oxygen level to full blast last night after he showed signs of difficult breathing. If this time, he still can’t get enough oxygen, then there’ll be nothing the docs can do. The condition of his heart is also deteriorating. His kidney has already failed him… All we can do now is to pray for him to pass on peacefully.
Seeing him last night make me feel at peace again. I dun feel as bad as that few days when I was being tied up by a thousand things and couldn’t go to the hospital to visit him. And maybe, it is also because for the first time in these past 2 weeks, I am able to sit by his bedside, hold on to his hand, talk to him, and pray for him. He showed response. When I tell him that it’s me, he held his head up and looked at me. And, if you took notice, you can see his mouth forming the word that is my name, the name he used to call me since I was a child. Though he couldn’t speak and seems unconscious all the time, but I believe that he is still conscious with what is going on around him. And even that it is a sure thing that he will be leaving us in a very short time, but I dun feel so sad now though the time is nearing. It’s not because I have come to terms with it, but I guess it’s because I can see that he is not in as much pain now compared to the last few days; And also for the fact that I am given a chance to sit by his side, and be close to him…. When he goes, part of me will go with him… But I will be strong and live my life to the fullest. Achieve the best I can. So that when he is up there looking down, he will be proud of me…
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snowflakes at 1:39 PM
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Doc says my grandpa left with only, at most, 2 more days to live… He might pass on any moment. This time round, I realized a lot of things. Words are cheap, this is one thing I understand most after all these thing happen. People often brag about how good they are or how filial they are to their parents. But when something really happen, no one wants to help. Those who can help, Dun want to help. Those who can’t help, they still make the effort & try to help. Why are things like this lehx???
Now then I realize how selfish my uncle is. For the first time in these 20 yrs, I despise him. He owe what he have now to my grandfather. My grandfather dotes on him so much, but now when grandpi is dying, he won’t even try to fulfill his last wish!
My grandfather’s last wish is to go home. But due to the bacteria in his lungs, no one dares to let him home. But that is also because of my little cousin. He is only 2 yrs old now, so they are afraid that if they let my grandpi home, my lil’ cousin might get infected. Fair enough, we know the reason why my grandma dare not let him home. But for my uncle, he have a house of his own. He can let my grandpi stays there till he pass on. Anyway, the doc says he left with only a few more days to live. Even if it’s troublesome, it is only for a few days. But because of his wife said no, he dare not bring him back. What kind of man is this??? What kind of son is this??? At this critical period, he still chose to listen to his wife!!! You understand now why I said I despise him for the first time in my life???
They make me hate them. I hate them for treating grandpi like this!!! No one is worth my respect anymore, except my mama & my 3 aunties. They are the ones who are there to help my grandpi when he needs help. I think I won’t feel as close to them after this incident anymore.
Now then I realize how selfish my uncle is. For the first time in these 20 yrs, I despise him. He owe what he have now to my grandfather. My grandfather dotes on him so much, but now when grandpi is dying, he won’t even try to fulfill his last wish!
My grandfather’s last wish is to go home. But due to the bacteria in his lungs, no one dares to let him home. But that is also because of my little cousin. He is only 2 yrs old now, so they are afraid that if they let my grandpi home, my lil’ cousin might get infected. Fair enough, we know the reason why my grandma dare not let him home. But for my uncle, he have a house of his own. He can let my grandpi stays there till he pass on. Anyway, the doc says he left with only a few more days to live. Even if it’s troublesome, it is only for a few days. But because of his wife said no, he dare not bring him back. What kind of man is this??? What kind of son is this??? At this critical period, he still chose to listen to his wife!!! You understand now why I said I despise him for the first time in my life???
They make me hate them. I hate them for treating grandpi like this!!! No one is worth my respect anymore, except my mama & my 3 aunties. They are the ones who are there to help my grandpi when he needs help. I think I won’t feel as close to them after this incident anymore.
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snowflakes at 3:00 PM
Monday, October 16, 2006
Went to visit my grandfather this evening. Heard from my mum that he has been transfered to normal ward... I tot his condition is better.. But when i went into his room... I burst out crying...
He is lying there.. Staring into space. And his neck is like jelly, he can't even support his head. I went over by his side, i called him a few times.. But he didnt give me any response. Just lie there and stare into nothing... Do you know how i feel? I can feel my heart is breaking at that time.. My heart aches so much i wish i could die...
I'm there, at the side of the one i love most in my life. But i can't do anything but see him suffer... He have so much plengms in his lungs due to the infection that he can't even breathe properly.. They have to suck out the phlegms for him a few times per day.
I was there when the nurse came in and give him his medicine. He couldn't even get anything down his throat now... Not even water.. So they have to use those kind of like drips, insert it into his veins. He's so frail and weak. His hand is so thin.. The nurse couldn't even find a vein good enough to do the insert. The nurse tried once, found it.. But due to the pain, my grandpa move his hand slightly n the vein is lost... I can see from his facial expression that he is really, really in pain. But we can do nothing.. We can only stay at his side and console him... But what good can that do??? Nothing at all.....
His last wish for now is to go home.. But no one wants to bring him home... I mean his son... They are afraid of the bacteria. According to the doc, the bacteria is contagious, not highly though. His sons are scared that he'll pass the bacteria to their children... So no one wants to bring him home... My mum thought of bringing him back to stay with her... But my dad objected... He said that my mum would invite gossips if she do that... It will not reflect good on my uncles...
But now the dying man has only a few more dys to live.. Why can't they just sacrifice a few days and bring him home??? If I'm now not staying with my in-laws, i would bring him back with me... And take care of him till the day he leave us... Afterall, even if it is very troublesome, it's only for a few days only... As the one my grandpa dotes most, what is these few days compared to the years he had taken care of me???
*~Gong~ I love you forever. You might not be able to recognize me anymore, but it does not matter to me. Cos no matter what i will be by your side till the day you are gone. You will always be in my heart...*
He is lying there.. Staring into space. And his neck is like jelly, he can't even support his head. I went over by his side, i called him a few times.. But he didnt give me any response. Just lie there and stare into nothing... Do you know how i feel? I can feel my heart is breaking at that time.. My heart aches so much i wish i could die...
I'm there, at the side of the one i love most in my life. But i can't do anything but see him suffer... He have so much plengms in his lungs due to the infection that he can't even breathe properly.. They have to suck out the phlegms for him a few times per day.
I was there when the nurse came in and give him his medicine. He couldn't even get anything down his throat now... Not even water.. So they have to use those kind of like drips, insert it into his veins. He's so frail and weak. His hand is so thin.. The nurse couldn't even find a vein good enough to do the insert. The nurse tried once, found it.. But due to the pain, my grandpa move his hand slightly n the vein is lost... I can see from his facial expression that he is really, really in pain. But we can do nothing.. We can only stay at his side and console him... But what good can that do??? Nothing at all.....
His last wish for now is to go home.. But no one wants to bring him home... I mean his son... They are afraid of the bacteria. According to the doc, the bacteria is contagious, not highly though. His sons are scared that he'll pass the bacteria to their children... So no one wants to bring him home... My mum thought of bringing him back to stay with her... But my dad objected... He said that my mum would invite gossips if she do that... It will not reflect good on my uncles...
But now the dying man has only a few more dys to live.. Why can't they just sacrifice a few days and bring him home??? If I'm now not staying with my in-laws, i would bring him back with me... And take care of him till the day he leave us... Afterall, even if it is very troublesome, it's only for a few days only... As the one my grandpa dotes most, what is these few days compared to the years he had taken care of me???
*~Gong~ I love you forever. You might not be able to recognize me anymore, but it does not matter to me. Cos no matter what i will be by your side till the day you are gone. You will always be in my heart...*
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snowflakes at 11:17 PM
Sunday, October 15, 2006
I started quitting smoking today. From this morning till now, i didnt even take a single puff... It really feels good not smoking... I mean, u know u are not making ur lungs suffer when u are not smoking... Mentally(consiously), I feel damn good... But physically, i really went through hell the whole day...
I was soaked in cold sweat most of the time... My eyes are half closed, they are still now... Easily iriitated... I got angry at the slightest provocation... Emotionally, i feel sort of depressed... But thinking of the $$$ i can save... and my health... and my sons health.... I guess going through these few days of 'torture' is worth it...
But i am quite scared that i might give in to temptation.... I'm quite easily swayed... So i am actually quite scared... But i guess this time i shld be able to quit smoking totally... Cos i really hate cigarette now... Just hope that god will give me the strength to resist any kind of temptation....
I was soaked in cold sweat most of the time... My eyes are half closed, they are still now... Easily iriitated... I got angry at the slightest provocation... Emotionally, i feel sort of depressed... But thinking of the $$$ i can save... and my health... and my sons health.... I guess going through these few days of 'torture' is worth it...
But i am quite scared that i might give in to temptation.... I'm quite easily swayed... So i am actually quite scared... But i guess this time i shld be able to quit smoking totally... Cos i really hate cigarette now... Just hope that god will give me the strength to resist any kind of temptation....
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snowflakes at 9:26 PM
Saturday, October 14, 2006
I have a frenz, who is one yr younger then me told me that she was pregnant. She already have a 3 yrs old daughter. Seperated with her child's father few months after the child was born. She was thinking of getting an abortion. She MSN me and told me this... I get so worked up that i almost begged her not to do it!
I dun understand why ppl rather kill their own unborn child then to seek for help?! I mean... If u are living in some backward country, where there is limited help & no education/info provided on this issue, it's acceptable that u abort it even though it's still not the right thing for u to do. But right here in Singapore, where u can find all the help u need anywhere, why would ppl still choose to have their baby aborted???? Don't they find that they are very cruel??? Selfish??? Very inhuman??? They can even kill their own baby! Can't they just pick up a phone and dial some helpline specifically for woman with unwanted pregnancy, or just dial the no. to MCDS n ask the receptionist to put u through to the department so that they can brief u and arrange for your baby to be adopted?? Here is SINGAPORE, a civilized country where we are advanced in almost everything! Can you imagine that such uncivilized act of depriving a baby's right of staying alive is happening right here??
When u put up a baby for adoption through the right channel, the baby will, confirm, landed up in good hands. And by correct channel, I mean the government system. Every child being adopted will have a Case worker(CW). The CW will visit the child frequently n do follow ups to make sure that the child is not being abused. And in Singapore, many couples have no children of their own & they are dying to have kids. You can rest assured that your baby will be well taken care of... The adoptive parents may treat your child better then the way u treat him/her.
I find this a win-win solution.
You dun wan the baby, u give it away instead of depriving the baby's right of being alive; Killing the baby, taking his life away from him just because of a stupid mistake u make or some excuses u cook up for not wanting a baby!
Don't you find that it is more human too???
Unwanted pregnancy is that"Whoever's" own mistake. Not the fault of the baby. We should, as an adult, admit our own mistake and solve the problem. Have some sense of responsibility n be considerate when u are making a "Life & Death" decision. You got to pay a price for whatever wrong that you've done. You wouldn't always have the easy way out...
ABORTION IS A SIN, NOT A SOLUTION!!!
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snowflakes at 1:05 AM
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The past all came flooding into my mind. Those happy memories i shared with my grandfather; those beautiful moments, will be etched vividly in my mind forever...
I can still remember, as if everything happened just yesterday...
There was a couple of times, when my grandmother was caning me, my grandpy would piggy-back me to shield me from my granny's caning....
Every morning, my grandpy would be sitted in the kitchen having his breakfast, that consist of bread/biscuit and a cup of tea or milo. When I woke up, he would motion me to his side and asked if i would like to join him. I would nod my head happily, n my grandpy would get up n make another set of breakfast for me. We would sit at the table & chat abt everything under the sun...
At night, he would wrap my body with blanket. Wrapped it up tightly, so that i won't have a chance to kick away the blanket in the middle of the night, and end up catching a cold the next day...
He would bring me out almost everyday. He'll buy me nice food, games, beautiful dresses...etc. Anything that i want & within his mean, He would get it for me... Things like Nintendo, PlayStation...etc.
When we're not going anywhere, we'll be at home sitting infront of the television. With a controller each on our hand, we'll play games like Sonic the Hedgehog & Super Mario together... He would laugh at me when i failed to pass the round, and i would laugh at him too with every obstacle he couldn't pass....
Time flies, I've grown up. I start to have my own circles of frenx & start to stay out till late night.
Mixed with the wrong company, and landed myself in serious trouble...
The day i was to go to court, my grandpy cried. Through his tears, he tells me that I'll be alright & that he will be waiting for me to be home for dinner.... Sadly, I wasn't home for dinner that evening, I had my dinner @ TPGH...
Two years passed & i was released from the home.The moment i got home, my grandpy rushed to the door n welcome me... He said to me ' Let bygones be bygones. Now that you're home for good, you gotta really be a good girl. "Ah gong"(grandfather in chinese) cant bear to see anything happen to you again...' I nod my head & promise I'll be good. But i didnt make good of my words. Just bearly a month after my release, I started to stay away from home again. Came home only once or twice a month... But my grandpy wasn't angry with me. He always speak to me nicely & give me advice. He's never harsh on me, not that i can remember of.
In yr 2003, 15 mths after i was released from TPGH, I married my husband. My grandpy was very happy for me then. But he was also worried.. For i was only 17 yrs old at that time. He was worried that i'll be hurt...
I moved over to my in law's place after married. Initially, I wasn't working, so i have the time to visit him as and when i like... But after i gave birth to my sons, especially after the youngest one was born, my freedom was restricted. I couldn't visit him as n when i like... I could only visit him abt once a week or so...
Now... I really regret not spending more time with my grandpy in the past... I know I'm the apple of his eyes.. Everyone knows that... But i did nothing to reciprocate. If only i can turn back time... I would not want to get married. I would rather spend my time with my grandpy till the day he leave us... If only.... If only... If only... All i left with now is 'if only'....
No one will understand how terrible i feel right now... No one will understand the bond i share with my grandpy.. Even if grandpy really leaves us one day, i will try not to be sad... For i know he is still living, not in the mortal world anymore(of course), but in my heart always....
I can still remember, as if everything happened just yesterday...
There was a couple of times, when my grandmother was caning me, my grandpy would piggy-back me to shield me from my granny's caning....
Every morning, my grandpy would be sitted in the kitchen having his breakfast, that consist of bread/biscuit and a cup of tea or milo. When I woke up, he would motion me to his side and asked if i would like to join him. I would nod my head happily, n my grandpy would get up n make another set of breakfast for me. We would sit at the table & chat abt everything under the sun...
At night, he would wrap my body with blanket. Wrapped it up tightly, so that i won't have a chance to kick away the blanket in the middle of the night, and end up catching a cold the next day...
He would bring me out almost everyday. He'll buy me nice food, games, beautiful dresses...etc. Anything that i want & within his mean, He would get it for me... Things like Nintendo, PlayStation...etc.
When we're not going anywhere, we'll be at home sitting infront of the television. With a controller each on our hand, we'll play games like Sonic the Hedgehog & Super Mario together... He would laugh at me when i failed to pass the round, and i would laugh at him too with every obstacle he couldn't pass....
Time flies, I've grown up. I start to have my own circles of frenx & start to stay out till late night.
Mixed with the wrong company, and landed myself in serious trouble...
The day i was to go to court, my grandpy cried. Through his tears, he tells me that I'll be alright & that he will be waiting for me to be home for dinner.... Sadly, I wasn't home for dinner that evening, I had my dinner @ TPGH...
Two years passed & i was released from the home.The moment i got home, my grandpy rushed to the door n welcome me... He said to me ' Let bygones be bygones. Now that you're home for good, you gotta really be a good girl. "Ah gong"(grandfather in chinese) cant bear to see anything happen to you again...' I nod my head & promise I'll be good. But i didnt make good of my words. Just bearly a month after my release, I started to stay away from home again. Came home only once or twice a month... But my grandpy wasn't angry with me. He always speak to me nicely & give me advice. He's never harsh on me, not that i can remember of.
In yr 2003, 15 mths after i was released from TPGH, I married my husband. My grandpy was very happy for me then. But he was also worried.. For i was only 17 yrs old at that time. He was worried that i'll be hurt...
I moved over to my in law's place after married. Initially, I wasn't working, so i have the time to visit him as and when i like... But after i gave birth to my sons, especially after the youngest one was born, my freedom was restricted. I couldn't visit him as n when i like... I could only visit him abt once a week or so...
Now... I really regret not spending more time with my grandpy in the past... I know I'm the apple of his eyes.. Everyone knows that... But i did nothing to reciprocate. If only i can turn back time... I would not want to get married. I would rather spend my time with my grandpy till the day he leave us... If only.... If only... If only... All i left with now is 'if only'....
No one will understand how terrible i feel right now... No one will understand the bond i share with my grandpy.. Even if grandpy really leaves us one day, i will try not to be sad... For i know he is still living, not in the mortal world anymore(of course), but in my heart always....
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snowflakes at 10:35 PM
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Went for class just now. The whole lesson made up of predentations from the whole class... From group 1~group 8. But it's quite good also. I learn alot from this lesson.. Mainly abt communication & English skills.
My teammate was asking just now if we're advancing to a higher level after this course.. Different answers came out, of course. So i asked the same question to the one who asked us. He said yes, as it's all inside a package his company offer.. So i asked him what course is he interested in.. He says that he's interested in psychology. So i was thinking, actually it's not a bad course, but the market is too small.. Why does he wanna take up this course?? And of course, I can't thought of the reason.. .I guess I"ll just straight away ask him during our next lesson...
Having a very persistent headache right now... Feels like my head is blowing up.. .OMG!!! As a anti-panadolist, I never take panadols unless it's really necessary. But so far, i think it only happened once or twice.
Watched a comedy at my mum's house this morning... The title of the show is Bridget Jones' Diary II. The show is really funny. I dunno how to write a review nor a summary abt the show. So i guess the best way for you to rate the show is to rent it or buy it and watch it yourself...
Overall, It's quite a nice day today... Just hope that i wont feel so down easily... =)
My teammate was asking just now if we're advancing to a higher level after this course.. Different answers came out, of course. So i asked the same question to the one who asked us. He said yes, as it's all inside a package his company offer.. So i asked him what course is he interested in.. He says that he's interested in psychology. So i was thinking, actually it's not a bad course, but the market is too small.. Why does he wanna take up this course?? And of course, I can't thought of the reason.. .I guess I"ll just straight away ask him during our next lesson...
Having a very persistent headache right now... Feels like my head is blowing up.. .OMG!!! As a anti-panadolist, I never take panadols unless it's really necessary. But so far, i think it only happened once or twice.
Watched a comedy at my mum's house this morning... The title of the show is Bridget Jones' Diary II. The show is really funny. I dunno how to write a review nor a summary abt the show. So i guess the best way for you to rate the show is to rent it or buy it and watch it yourself...
Overall, It's quite a nice day today... Just hope that i wont feel so down easily... =)
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snowflakes at 11:51 PM
Freak! I lost one of my blog again!!!!!
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snowflakes at 2:45 PM
Monday, October 09, 2006
Just change a new blog skin. But it seems like my entire blog is lost. I can't see my previous posting from my blog.... So sad...
Reached home at abt 6pm just now. Slept @ abt 7pm & woke up at 9 pm... I'm so freaking tired...
I didnt go to the hospital today. My mother in law is starting to be unhappy abt my frequent visit to the hospital. She says that I'm neglecting my kids N my hubby...
Wondering how is my grandpa now...
Class tml... Meeting at the Macdonald @ 6plus before class... To discuss abt the project...
I'm so tired... Gtg bath... Then sleep... Gd nitex~ Everybody!!!
Reached home at abt 6pm just now. Slept @ abt 7pm & woke up at 9 pm... I'm so freaking tired...
I didnt go to the hospital today. My mother in law is starting to be unhappy abt my frequent visit to the hospital. She says that I'm neglecting my kids N my hubby...
Wondering how is my grandpa now...
Class tml... Meeting at the Macdonald @ 6plus before class... To discuss abt the project...
I'm so tired... Gtg bath... Then sleep... Gd nitex~ Everybody!!!
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snowflakes at 10:12 PM
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Went to visit my grandpa earlier... Just reached home. they've stopped him on the dialysis today. His condition is still very unstable. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.. They've started him on the sedatives again. They say that the dosage they give him will be very small. As their main motive to put him on sedatives again is to take away his pain(due to his kidney, he cannot take pain killer). His heartbeat , blood pressure n his respiratory level flunctuate greatly. I can see that his suffering.
Last night my mum, aunties & uncle, stay at the hospital till this morning. They were by his bedside, chanting prayers for him. Hoping to minimize his pain. It may sound superstitious, but i guess this is what we can only do for him now.
Just quarrel with my hubby just now... Sometimes I really feel very tired staying in this house. No one understands me... No one care or give a damn abt me... All they want is me to contribute towards this family. They dont care how i feel... I thought of leaving this place n flee to somewhere no one knows me... And start my life all over again... But whenever i think of my sons, I know that it's all impossible. Cos if i really do that, I'll live in guilt for the rest of my life...
So what can i do???
Just take it in my stride and continue with my life... My sons will grow up.. I'll get my freedom back...
At the mean time, I'll still be a prisoner in my own home.....
Last night my mum, aunties & uncle, stay at the hospital till this morning. They were by his bedside, chanting prayers for him. Hoping to minimize his pain. It may sound superstitious, but i guess this is what we can only do for him now.
Just quarrel with my hubby just now... Sometimes I really feel very tired staying in this house. No one understands me... No one care or give a damn abt me... All they want is me to contribute towards this family. They dont care how i feel... I thought of leaving this place n flee to somewhere no one knows me... And start my life all over again... But whenever i think of my sons, I know that it's all impossible. Cos if i really do that, I'll live in guilt for the rest of my life...
So what can i do???
Just take it in my stride and continue with my life... My sons will grow up.. I'll get my freedom back...
At the mean time, I'll still be a prisoner in my own home.....
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 10:30 PM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Went to visit my grandfather last evening. His condition doesnt seems to be improving. The doc said that the bacteria that cause his infection is a deadly, very resistent bug. They're now putting him on antibiotic, but the antibiotic can only help 10%-15% only. The rest is up to my grandfather.... They've started him on dialysis as he did not pass urine for the whole day the day before. Dialysis could help to clear away the toxic in his body. They have also stopped giving him sedative drugs as, to what they say, my grandfather didnt struggle with the tubes, so they felt that it's unnecessary to continue giving him the drugs.
My family have some frenx that is in those kind of, should i say, spiritual line. Some of them did help us 'calculate'. They say that mostly it will be on Friday. So today is Thursday, n tml is friday. So if they are correct, that leave us with one more day. My grandfather wish, according to what my auntie Theresa said, is for his son to come n see him for the last time. The 'son' that i say, of course, is not one of my grandmother's child but of that other woman my grandfather have with.
My grandauntie called up n asked them if they are willing to come n visit my grandfather as to fulfill his last wish. But they are not willin to. I just find that they're cruel. It's an old man last wish, n she cant even help fulfill it!
Going to visit my grandpa again this evening. Or i dun think i have the time to visit him again...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
今天差一点儿迟到。我老公把我的闹钟按掉， 害我7.45am才睡醒； 连早餐都没得吃！！！
——————————————————————————————————————————
My family have some frenx that is in those kind of, should i say, spiritual line. Some of them did help us 'calculate'. They say that mostly it will be on Friday. So today is Thursday, n tml is friday. So if they are correct, that leave us with one more day. My grandfather wish, according to what my auntie Theresa said, is for his son to come n see him for the last time. The 'son' that i say, of course, is not one of my grandmother's child but of that other woman my grandfather have with.
My grandauntie called up n asked them if they are willing to come n visit my grandfather as to fulfill his last wish. But they are not willin to. I just find that they're cruel. It's an old man last wish, n she cant even help fulfill it!
Going to visit my grandpa again this evening. Or i dun think i have the time to visit him again...
_____________________________________________________________________________________
今天差一点儿迟到。我老公把我的闹钟按掉， 害我7.45am才睡醒； 连早餐都没得吃！！！
——————————————————————————————————————————
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 8:53 AM
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
So boring... Now in office doing nothing.. Boss went out, left me alone in the office.. I can do what i wan loohz~~
There's class today.. Meeting my sister for dinner beofre we proceed to our class later in the evening... sianz~ The thought of my class make me so sianx~ Think of seeing those ppl there... Eeekk!!!
Wonder how is my grandfather doing... Is he better??? I doubt anyone is at the hospital now... They must be still sleeping... Or getting ready to go to the hospital. Will call my mum for updates later in the afternoon. Today they'll be trying a new drug on my grandfather. It's a new drug in the market, approved by singapore authority already. They'll try out on my grandfather to see if t works on him.. They claim that the drug can cure the infection part faster den normal drug by 10-15%. AND IT'S F.O.C!!! The first tot i have... They are looking for a guinea pig! But my uncles & aunties still go ahead with it. I know why they do this even though they know there's risk...
Initially i dun feel good abt it.. But after much thought... Den i really understand why... My granfather's health is already very bad. It's quite impossible for him to get well if the doctors continue with the method they are treating him now. It's already 80% cfm that my grandfather might not pull through... `This medicine is actually a hope for my aunties... Hoping that even if my grandpa were to go... He need not go through so much suffering...
Joey(my hubby) might be taking off to visit my grandfather tomorrow.. Have to see if the leave is approved or not... Hopefully, no one will make things hard for him & let him go for his leave... My grandfather dote on him alot too... Now that he's in hospital, the least that my hubby can do is to take some time out to visit him...
There's class today.. Meeting my sister for dinner beofre we proceed to our class later in the evening... sianz~ The thought of my class make me so sianx~ Think of seeing those ppl there... Eeekk!!!
Wonder how is my grandfather doing... Is he better??? I doubt anyone is at the hospital now... They must be still sleeping... Or getting ready to go to the hospital. Will call my mum for updates later in the afternoon. Today they'll be trying a new drug on my grandfather. It's a new drug in the market, approved by singapore authority already. They'll try out on my grandfather to see if t works on him.. They claim that the drug can cure the infection part faster den normal drug by 10-15%. AND IT'S F.O.C!!! The first tot i have... They are looking for a guinea pig! But my uncles & aunties still go ahead with it. I know why they do this even though they know there's risk...
Initially i dun feel good abt it.. But after much thought... Den i really understand why... My granfather's health is already very bad. It's quite impossible for him to get well if the doctors continue with the method they are treating him now. It's already 80% cfm that my grandfather might not pull through... `This medicine is actually a hope for my aunties... Hoping that even if my grandpa were to go... He need not go through so much suffering...
Joey(my hubby) might be taking off to visit my grandfather tomorrow.. Have to see if the leave is approved or not... Hopefully, no one will make things hard for him & let him go for his leave... My grandfather dote on him alot too... Now that he's in hospital, the least that my hubby can do is to take some time out to visit him...
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 11:08 AM
Monday, October 02, 2006
The sky is dark today.. I see no shining sun..
Just reached home. Went to Changi General Hospital today to visit my grandpa. But i doubt he even know I'm there. He's is the MICU. With tubings all ard him.. Have not passed the critical period. It hurts me so much to see him in this state. I love him... I love him so much... I know his time is up. I know he's going to leave us. I am already prepared for the worst. All i hope for is that he need not go through all these pains. I want him to go peacefully...
Remember those time when i was still a kid, my grandpa would always brought me out for shopping. He'll always buys me the nicest food, the prettiest dress, the nicest & latest game...etc~ I'm like a pearl to him.. The apple of his eyes.. Even after i became a mother.. He still dote on me alot.. We'll run ard Singapore just for food hunting.. We can go from Balestier to chinatown... Just to eat & shop.. We were really very happy then...
But now he's in this state, I cant even do something for him... All i can do is cry.. And feel the pain inside me.. But i can never help him by sharing his pain.. He's now on sedative; as he got tubings all ard him.. If he's conscious, the pain would be too much for him to bear. How i wish they'll just let him go... Even if he's out of danger & will recover, he'll still have to go through another amputation, and dailysis. All these are sufferings... It'll drain him out... Both physically & emotionally.. I just hope for all these sufferings to end... I love you! Grandpa~
Just reached home. Went to Changi General Hospital today to visit my grandpa. But i doubt he even know I'm there. He's is the MICU. With tubings all ard him.. Have not passed the critical period. It hurts me so much to see him in this state. I love him... I love him so much... I know his time is up. I know he's going to leave us. I am already prepared for the worst. All i hope for is that he need not go through all these pains. I want him to go peacefully...
Remember those time when i was still a kid, my grandpa would always brought me out for shopping. He'll always buys me the nicest food, the prettiest dress, the nicest & latest game...etc~ I'm like a pearl to him.. The apple of his eyes.. Even after i became a mother.. He still dote on me alot.. We'll run ard Singapore just for food hunting.. We can go from Balestier to chinatown... Just to eat & shop.. We were really very happy then...
But now he's in this state, I cant even do something for him... All i can do is cry.. And feel the pain inside me.. But i can never help him by sharing his pain.. He's now on sedative; as he got tubings all ard him.. If he's conscious, the pain would be too much for him to bear. How i wish they'll just let him go... Even if he's out of danger & will recover, he'll still have to go through another amputation, and dailysis. All these are sufferings... It'll drain him out... Both physically & emotionally.. I just hope for all these sufferings to end... I love you! Grandpa~
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 11:32 PM
Sunday, October 01, 2006
I started my CBA class last friday. OMG!!! I really cant stand those ppl there.. I wonder they pay the money there to study or to socialize there... They can keep yacking & yacking non stop when the class is on. Some of them even thought that they'll be able to hook on someone rich there.. The way they dress is like.... *i dunno how to describe, you shld see it for yourself*
My father in law was admitted into SGH yesterday... They suspected him of blood infection....BLOOD INFECTION? What the hack is that??? I never heard of it b4!!! And they discharge him today.. Saying that he's fine... funny rite??
Starting work tml... Sianx!!! How i wish i'm a rich man's wife... So i can be a tai tai and stay at home... Haha~
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 9:56 PM
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I like to take life easy,
but that seems to defy the force of nature.
So here I am, struggling day after day,
trying to make life easier for me & my love ones.
I try to love everyone around me
But I am no saint.
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