Monday, February 05, 2007
04/02/06 - Dreamt of grandpy last night.. It was inside a tiny place.. Somewhere like a house.. I saw a few family members, couldn't remember who was it. I asked for grandpy, but no one knows where he was.. Some told me 'there', but i see no one when i turned to the place they pointed out to me.. I was in a panic.. Looking for grandpy urgently.. I dun know why.. But it just seems so urgent.. Then, suddenly, grandpy appeared.. He look the same as before. But there's something different about him.. He looked strong.. Not the weakly old man. He wasn't in a wheel chair, he was walking by himself.. His amputated leg was still there.. He walked fast and took a sit somewhere.. And i followed him to his seat and i put my head on his leg and hug his leg.. The feeling was so intense.. It's as if i know if i let go,i will never see him again.. We talked.. but he kept asking me to let him go.. I can't.. How can I when I miss him so much?! Then suddenly i woke up and found that it was all a dream.. The sky was still dark then.. I presume that it was about 4-5am in the morning.. The morning wind was blowing strongly through a tiny opening on the window.. Creating a howling sound.. I slept again.. I return to the same place.. Saw the same people that were there.. But grandpy was no where to be found.. I looked around for him anxiously.. But i see no sight of him.. I was woken up by my sons.. It was already 9am in the morning...
Is grandpy trying to tell me something?? Why he kept asking me to let go??? Is that what he wants, that's why he made me dreamt about it?? Is he trying to console me like how he always did when he was still alive?? Is he trying to tell me that he's in good shape and wants me to recover from my grieve?? I dunno... Friends said that it's a release for him to go.. Since he was in such a bad shape then.. And seems like everyone was bullying him.. They also said that i would make him sad by crying whenever i think of him.. they say he can feel it.. I dunno if it's true.. but all i know is I miss him so much!!! Tears always well up in my eyes whenever i thought of him.. I dunno why.. I've already tried to control my feelings.. But i can't help it.. Even in public, I still couldn't overcome the urge to cry... I just miss him so much!!!
I never know that it was such a painful experience when you come face to face with death.. Death is a winner... He always wins.. What can we do?? Nothing.. But to let him do what he wants.. I didn't know the pain until i really lost grandpy.. I thought i was ready to let him go.. But i wasn't.. Until i lost him, then i understand, I will never be ready for that..
Is grandpy trying to tell me something?? Why he kept asking me to let go??? Is that what he wants, that's why he made me dreamt about it?? Is he trying to console me like how he always did when he was still alive?? Is he trying to tell me that he's in good shape and wants me to recover from my grieve?? I dunno... Friends said that it's a release for him to go.. Since he was in such a bad shape then.. And seems like everyone was bullying him.. They also said that i would make him sad by crying whenever i think of him.. they say he can feel it.. I dunno if it's true.. but all i know is I miss him so much!!! Tears always well up in my eyes whenever i thought of him.. I dunno why.. I've already tried to control my feelings.. But i can't help it.. Even in public, I still couldn't overcome the urge to cry... I just miss him so much!!!
I never know that it was such a painful experience when you come face to face with death.. Death is a winner... He always wins.. What can we do?? Nothing.. But to let him do what he wants.. I didn't know the pain until i really lost grandpy.. I thought i was ready to let him go.. But i wasn't.. Until i lost him, then i understand, I will never be ready for that..
IcYb3|| counted
snowflakes at 9:10 AM
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